As a child of the 90s, it’s a bit surreal to be taking Ritalin for the first time. Growing up, ADHD was kids bouncing off the walls, causing disruptions in class and having trouble with school. Ritalin was what they got in their daily trips to the nurse. This didn’t describe me.
However, as I came to understand the modern perspective of ADHD, I realized I pretty clearly have had it all along.
I have always struggled with executive dysfunction but didn’t have the vocabulary for it when I was young. I just thought I had tendencies to be lazy, careless, and distracted. It didn’t occur to me that this could have a neurological basis. It seemed like more of a moral failing. At times, this made me feel pretty bad about myself.
As I learned about ADHD, I increasingly identified with it. I noticed things about myself. How often I start and abandon tasks. How hard it is to control my focus. I think of my focus as a very intense spotlight, erratically jumping from place to place. I came to understand that it’s not a typical person’s experience to have dozens of competing thoughts at all times.
In many ways, this website, itself, is a monument to my scattered attention. But as varied as it is, what you see is the output of my brain filtered through a lot of editing. This is just the stuff I was able to actually finish.
Still, I told myself “you don’t need medication, you’re doing great. You just need to try harder.” As I got older, I got better at holding grace for myself.
I also worried about navigating the process of therapy. The cost, the stress of finding good therapists, the potential side-effects of medication, and so on. I have come to see my scattered brain as one of the things that makes me special. What happens if I lose that?
Yet, I know I am underachieving. I accomplish only a small percentage of the ideas that bounce around my mind. Most frustratingly, I often struggle with timely completion of things that aren’t optional. This fall, as I waited to start a new job, I decided it was time to try something different. I got evaluated, and I got diagnosed with level-1 autism spectrum disorder and a pretty strong dose of inattentive-type ADHD.
I’m planning to try medication, therapy, and other strategies. The nature of my work is radically changing, due to AI, and it feels like as good a time as any to work on myself.
Yesterday, I had my first dose of Ritalin. The effect was pretty subtle, but it felt significant. I still have lots of thoughts bouncing around, but it feels like they are less insistent and that I have more control over whether I attend to them or what I am currently doing. I feel like I’m better able to step back and make explicit decisions. I am also finding it easier to disengage from things I am focused on when I do decide to switch tasks. So far, so good.
We’ll see where this all goes. I’m nervous, but hopeful.
Never Down, Always Up 