It has now been about 3 months since I started ADHD medication. I feel conflicted about accepting the idea that “I need drugs to live my life”, to put it as bluntly as possible. It makes me feel defective, or like I gave up. But this feeling is tiny compared to my sense of gratitude. I truly don’t know how I made it this far without support.
People with broken legs use crutches; people with bad eyesight use glasses; people with allergies take antihistamines. Somehow, it feels different when it’s supporting how my brain works.
The big difference is that I am now able to act at-will. I don’t spend hours spinning my wheels before I can actually start a task. I simply decide and then start doing. I am also able to stay on-task for much longer. The end result is that the gap between “I want to do”, “I am doing”, and “I am done” is substantially smaller.
It is embarrassing to admit that pre-medication, it was very normal for me to have entire work days go astray, paralyzed by executive dysfunction. On these days, I would typically try to find things of value to do outside of heads-down work. I found outside-of-the-box ways to create value. And then I also had enough productive days to meet expectations.
Ritalin has not solved all of my problems. I am just as scatterbrained as before. Maybe even more so while it is in my system. Now, time is my limiting factor, rather than ability to start. I have to be careful about prioritization, because it is easy for me to hyperfocus on things that are not top priority.
I also find that it is harder to shut my brain down from a problem I’m working on to enter a state of simple presence. I worry that if I’m not very intentional, I will not spend enough of my time and attention on connection with my family. Especially my kids.
This is a little off-topic, but as a parent, I have always found it challenging to feel like I am mentally present with my children. My brain inhabits a world of ideas and things to be done. Their brains are much more local, imaginative, and present. It is very difficult for me to meet them where they are. This is even more true when I am medicated. I notice that my children will occasionally make bids for my attention by showing interest in things they know I’m interested in, like math, sports, video games, or music. As much as I can, I try to indulge this.
For me, Ritalin is a tool, not a cure. But as a tool, I have found it to be very helpful.
Never Down, Always Up 