Yesterday, I had the duty of distributing honor roll brunch invitations to students in one of my classes. I probably didn’t make as big a deal of it as I should have. During class, I made a small announcement and handed out 2 of the 3 invitations to little fanfare. The third student was at a rehearsal and wasn’t present to receive hers.

I ran into that missing student in the hallway after school, and it crossed my mind just as the conversation was ending that I still had her invitation. I went back to my room and grabbed it, and said to her, in probably an almost off-hand manner, “Oh, and here’s your honor roll invitation”.

I almost jumped out of fright when she, out of nowhere, shrieked and tore off, running zig-zag down the hallway.

“I made the honor roll!!! I made the honor roll!!!”

She ran up behind a random kid in the hallway and shook the heck out of him, while screaming at him that she was on the honor roll.

Tears of joy streaming down her face when she came back and told me, “Mr. Johnson, I’ve never made the honor roll before! My sisters are on the honor roll every semester, but me, I’ve never been on the honor roll before. I’m an honor student!”

Granted, this particular girl is super emotional all the time, but I was still taken off-guard by how excited and surprised she was. I guess I kind of assumed she already knew how she had really gotten her act together, and how much butt she was kicking in class.

I guess looking back, she has made an absolutely incredible turnaround. This girl was a handful at the beginning of the year. I don’t think I can take much credit for it; she’s been kind of a team project. And I know she’s put in extraordinary effort, all on her own. Still, in the daily grind and chaos, it’s easy to miss out on some of the great things that happen.

And I think the lesson for me is to make big deals out of the good things, because you never know how much a little recognition might mean to someone.

Right now, the least of my worries is my own judgment day, my formal observation on Thursday. Unit 2 testing starts tomorrow, and excepting my all-star class tomorrow morning, I don’t have much reason to be optimistic. I gave a quiz last week on the concepts that are at the heart of the unit, and the results were abysmal. There’s not much reason to expect a major change. Even so, the show must go on. We’re way behind and we have to move on to new material. Plus, I don’t think rehashing the same old material would solve the problem.

I’m practically begging for kids to come in for the help they need, but almost no one is taking the initiative. For some kids, I honestly don’t know what they’re thinking is going to happen when the end of the year comes and they don’t pass this class or the state exam. The saddest thing is that some of these kids are so bright, but they’re pissing their potential away. I’m hoping that since it’s report card week, I’ll get the chance to issue some wake-up calls to kids and parents. It’s too bad most of them won’t receive them before they take this test.

Oh well, I’d just as soon shelve this material for now and come back to it later. I’ve got a few test days and a long weekend to think about how I’m going to make Unit 3 far more effective than my first two have been. I just pray that for those who don’t do well, this test comes as a reality check, not a knock down.

I am so stressed. Thankfully, we had election day “off”, but I spent the entire day working on my massive backlog of unfinished business, and it feels like I haven’t made a dent. I must say, it’s pretty demoralizing that I can work really hard most of the time, and occasionally, work literally non-stop, and yet still never be on schedule. No lie, I could probably take a full week off teaching and still not be caught up. It’s like swimming upstream.

In other news, it’s time to rethink my approach to misbehavior. I originally thought the root of my problem was my approach to misbehaving students. But now, I think I’ve reached a point where I am fairly consistent and assertive in confronting misbehavior in my classroom, and still I have classes that get out of control. It’s time to bring in the big guns. I haven’t been proactive enough in calling parents and issuing referrals. The disrespect I put up with is pretty ridiculous, and up until now, I’ve taken it too lightly and taken too much of the enforcement aspect on myself. The fact is, I simply don’t have the time and resources to keep up with numerous detentions and phone calls each day. Once I’ve exhausted the consequences I can issue in class, parents need to regulate their children, and if they can’t/won’t/don’t, then it’s up to the administration. Because ultimately, I need to be able to teach class, and in a couple of my classes, it’s just not happening and it’s hurting all students. The bad part is that now, some of my more compliant students have really started following the example set by my defiant students and have started testing the boundaries. It’s really gotten out of hand. Partly because of behavior, I’m more than 3 weeks behind schedule, and I’m still pushing things back.

I feel stressed and occasionally pessimistic, but for the first time in a while, I think I’m actually ahead of the general mood in the corps, and that’s probably not a good thing overall. Things are pretty bleak. Although my administration can be somewhat oppressive, what with their unrealistic expectations of me, they are highly effective, and I’m blessed for that. Not everyone is so lucky. And I don’t mean to dog anyone, it’s just that being an administrator–let alone an effective one–in this environment is an extraordinary task, and there just aren’t enough superhumans for every school to get their own set.

My toughest class today was a bit of a high-wire act. As I’ve become accustomed to, I randomly had 3 observers. This could be very stressful, but today, this turned out to be a positive thing. A lady from North Ave. (our district headquarters) really laid down the law, which helped put down the rebellions that so often derail my class. Things were nearly out of control, but at least most of the kids were engaged, for a change, even if it was to unite against my instruction. It also helped that my observers really got their hands dirty and helped tutor students during practice time. And on top of it all, I got some uplifting feedback and a lot of ideas. Through it all, I learned a lot.

One thing that has really dawned on me is that a lot of the management and investment problems I’m faced with are as a result of motivation. I’ve been perplexed so much of the time as to why my students won’t do their work. For a while, I concluded that they simply didn’t care, or think it was important. But I’ve seen even my toughest kids do work this week. I used to think that my kids didn’t care about failing, but the truth is that they want to succeed, but they would rather not try at all than try and fail. And they’d rather appear to be a behavior problem than appear stupid.

So my new imperative is to design lessons that let each kid succeed every day. The problem is how I can design lessons that allow each of my kids, who are scattered across about 8 years of math ability, to succeed. One of the key takeaways is that this means most lecture is out. I’ll only be able to lecture on the most basic concepts, because extended explanations will either bore the advanced kids or frustrate the remedial kids. But one thing that can help is getting the kids to help one another.

I’m hoping that if I can carefully build confidence in my class, engagement and motivation will increase, which will allow me to really push, like I’ve been trying to. And maybe my disciplinary issues will start to diminish as well. Now, for the new quarter I just have to find a way that I can shorten the cycle of grading and plan 3 times as many activities with the same amount of time! And hopefully, I can find ways to stop annoying my administration so much, while I’m at it. Oh well, at least now I’ve got ideas to work with that I’m feeling confident about.

Well, as much as I’ve been looking forward to putting October and this quarter behind me, things are getting markedly darker.

First of all, I don’t know what’s up with the kids, but crazy stuff is going down. Kids are trashing rooms, breaking supplies, fighting, and cussing at me. Another kid I teach just got suspended today for telling me to get the f*** out of his face, all because I told him to hand over the MP3 player he was listening to in my class.

In general, the kids are testing. I don’t get what would possess a kid to blatantly break the rules in my face, and then flip out on me for doing my job by enforcing them. The tough thing is that in some cases, they seem to be trying their hardest to get kicked out of this school, but I’ve got to find ways to keep them from accomplishing that goal.

But I’m also feeling the crush from the other side too. My principal and my teammates are taking the kid gloves off and starting to call me out on the things I have been unable to do consistently. I’m being perceived as not being responsive to my professional obligations and support. Of course it’s true, but it’s not because I don’t care. I just don’t have the time or organizational habits in place, and there’s simply no quick fix to that. I’m bracing myself a pretty thorough beating between now and up through my upcoming formal observation.

In other news, my roommate today found out that he was surplussed by mistake, but that since his papers are signed with his next school, they had to find a new social studies teacher to take his place. His replacement: a surplussed teacher from some other school, who worked at Dunbar last year and intentionally didn’t return. Brilliant. Also, another surplussed TFA teacher from Dunbar has been reassigned as the new Latin teacher at a high school. The catch: she does not know Latin.

“Don’t put yourself up on a cross. Your blood won’t help no one….Plus it’s already been done”
-Errol Duncan, brilliant English scholar and teacher

Today was a pretty brutal day at school. My first class went reasonably well, but my second class was “off the hook”, as they say here. Class lasts 110 minutes, and I couldn’t get them to be quiet long enough to even finish the warm-up. By no means is that acceptable.

When class goes that badly, I feel like I’m backed against the wall in a lot of ways. Often times, it’s tough to single out a kid when about a dozen of them are the root of the problem. I don’t want to issue detentions, because I know half of them won’t come, and then I’ll have to follow up with their parents, and what was a one-period issue becomes a two-day process I have to stay on top off. I can throw kids out, but at some point, I feel guilty dumping 10 students in one period. I can issue referrals, but it only makes me look bad when I send a kid out because I can’t get them to shut up.

Lately, I’m bemoaning the fact that I lack the apparent ability to get under kids’ skin. I know a lot of teachers that can put the fear of God into a child, but I haven’t yet developed that talent, and consequently I can’t control my students. Today, I was taking it pretty hard, especially because my grad school supervisor is so insistent that I be insistent on complete silence as I teach. So far, that’s been impossible to achieve.

I felt particularly powerless at the end of the day when as I was holding kids after to finish their work, one of my students physically pushed me out of the doorway, allowing the rest of the students to flood out, Ten Commandments-style.

Fortunately, Mr. Duncan, our language arts teacher, gave me one heck of a pep talk at the end of the day, reassuring me that it’s not all my fault. He says that I cannot allow my ego to take the kind of beating it’s taking listening to all the talking heads, because it’s not built withstand the abuse.

Part of the problem, he says, is that I’m perceiving what may be a very real mismatch between the pedagogy TFA and my school push, along with the rigor and pacing of my curriculum, and the reality in my room. I’ve been taking it pretty personally that I’m having a great deal of trouble implementing it and controlling my room. But much of what I’m facing is the futility of trying to simultaneously teach kids scattered across 8 grade levels of academic ability and with vastly varying levels of social adaptability.

So I’m going to try to stop beating myself up over my faults, and start doing the best I can to play the cards I’m dealt. But that’s going to be put to the test, with my two toughest classes coming up tomorrow.

Well, I’m almost finished with October, thank God. This past week hasn’t been kind, and I’m anticipating this coming week will be bumpy as well. The final week of October also happens to be the final week of the quarter, and kids are looking for the easy way out of receiving the lackluster (or downright failing) grades most of them are receiving. This means I’ll likely be spending a couple hours a day after school administering tests that up until now, no one has seriously attempted to come make up. Awesome.

Last week, two of my classes in particular got way out of hand. Highlights included me being cussed out twice in 3 days by two different students. Also, some of my students have shown a disappointing lack of respect for the class supplies, including those which I purchased with my own money. I’ve made almost 20 parent phone calls this past week in an effort to stem the tide of bad behavior. I’m hoping that between that and some lesson innovations, things will smooth out a bit.

I’m feeling like November is going to be easier to handle. I’ve only got one full week of school for the whole month, and the shortened school day takes effect the first week. They’re only planning to chop off a half hour of the day, but hey, I’ll take whatever I can get.

The last couple of weeks have been a wild ride. They say October is the worst month for teachers. I certainly hope so, because I could use some relief.

One thing that I absolutely have to write about is the mid-year shuffle going on across the district. Wednesday last week, my roommate found out that come the next day, he might be out of a job due to over-budgeting. No detailed explanation was given at the time, other than the fact that the school under its enrollment target by 33%, and all new teachers were on the chopping block. As it turns out, my roommate did get “surplussed”. I’m sure the frustration I feel is nowhere near the sentiments he probably has, but to me this symbolized everything that’s wrong with the system. Dunbar Middle, where he works, was regarded as the worst middle school in the city last year, and that’s saying something. This year, due to the tireless work of the staff, it’s a working. And I know that my roommate must have been one of the hardest working teachers in that building. He works with barely any resources or support. He’s up later than me every night and wakes earlier every morning. During his planning period, he’s been acting as a quasi-administrator. He’s the coach of the girls’ soccer team, through which he’s built relationships with some of his toughest students. And come October 31, he’s gone.

We’ve since come to learn that the budget redistribution is going exactly according to plan, and that it is a necessarily evil of the complicated process of giving parents choice in the schools their children attend. My roommate will be transferred to a high school that, up until now, has been under-budgeted. After all, those kids Dunbar expected are going somewhere. But seriously, there’s got to be a better way. Are his 7th graders going to understand the intricacies district budgeting, or are they just going to think that yet another person in their lives is walking out on them? Can Dunbar Middle continue to deliver on its promise of rebirth with 1/3 of their staff gone?

As for myself, I can’t help but feel like the hammer is falling–that soon, people are finally going to find out I’ve been failing miserably for 2 solid months, and I’m going to be summarily stoned, Old Testament-style. My principal came into our staff meeting swinging today. He’s not happy with some of us, although he won’t mention who. He keeps making these comments at meetings about how 5% of the teachers aren’t meeting the expectations, and I keep thinking he must be referring to me.

The good news is, after last week’s day off and professional development, I feel like I’ve come out of a daze. I still feel like I’m underwater, but I’m fighting again. It’s just so hard, because there aren’t enough hours in the day. There just aren’t. If I could physically get all my work done, I’d be better off certainly, but I still don’t think I’d be anywhere close to rocking it as a teacher. Maybe I don’t give people enough credit, but most of the time, when people say “just let me know if you need something”, I don’t really take them at face value. I guess I have just felt really guilty letting people know that I can’t handle my own load. But clearly, I need to suck it up and scream for help, because leaving things undone isn’t doing anyone any favors.

There is some light coming down the tunnel. There are lots of days off in November, which hopefully ought to make the month bearable. I get to see my whole family this weekend. I’ve never been so excited about that in my life. Possibly even more exciting is the fact that my school is getting rid of the extended school day. I almost thanked God aloud when my principal grudgingly announced it in our staff meeting today. Don’t get me wrong, a well-planned, well-staffed extended day could hypothetically be an awesome thing for our students, but so far, all it’s been is a massive thorn in everyone’s side. The extra hour and change (I hope) in my day is going to be HUGE.

I took my first day off today, which I gave me conflicted feelings. On one hand, I have felt it was long overdue. I’ve been working like a dog almost non-stop since Institute started in late June, and I’m weary. On the other hand, it was really hard to take the day off, because it makes me feel like a quitter, even though it’s just one day. I have really taken to heart, nominally at least, the mantra that every minute of instructional time is sacred. As hard as I fight to make my class run smoothly, I’ve been more than a little stressed about what would happen without me in the room. And I’ve also taken to heart that if I’m going to hold the kids to the highest expectations that I myself must never give an inch.

I left Baltimore for the first time in over 2 months this week, and made a conscious effort to distance myself from teaching, if only for 36 hours. It gave me the opportunity to really put things in perspective. Really, taking today off was necessary so I could catch up on the work I didn’t do this weekend. But getting up this morning, I had a disturbing realization. I could barely move out of bed, and I was having major difficulty accomplishing even simple chores. It was like my whole body was protesting doing any work. It’s a feeling I know from tough times in the past–depression. I mean, I knew work was depressing me, but the surprise was the inner negativity I felt this weekend in the absence of work. And I know from the past that it’s a path I can’t afford to indulge right now.

Despite all the warnings from past corps members, I have been deluding myself into thinking I’ve been doing myself and my students a favor by compromising the non-negotiables in my life and working around the clock. But I’ve really only been slowly destroying my own mental state. I think part of the reason I have to work so hard is because I’m constantly exhausted mentally and physically, and the marginal productivity of my work is so low.

Stepping back from teaching for the weekend and taking a sick day to recover wasn’t really enough to come close caught up on work or relaxation. But it gave me time to really look at the things I need to fix in my lifestyle. I’m hoping that once I’m mentally healthier, I’ll be happier and more productive. This week should be somewhat therapeutic, since we have professional development days Thursday and Friday.

Go 2-day teaching week!

Today, oh-so-briefly, I felt like a real teacher. After a my first math lesson with my toughest class didn’t go so well, I went to lunch feeling a bit down and stressed. I honestly don’t know what happened between then and the start of my second 110 minute class, but I caught my second wind somehow, some way. For most of the period, I felt like I was in my own skin. I got fired up, I lectured well, I controlled the classroom, I cracked jokes, I helped students make individual breakthroughs, and I almost made it through a full lesson with a tough class. Unfortunately, it all fell apart in the last 5 minutes when some kid ripped a fart in the front row, and all hell broke loose. I didn’t even get mad. I just stared them down, as if to say, “Seriously? You’re going to let some gas stand between you and learning this math?”

The unspoken response was a resounding “yes”. Oh well, it was good while it lasted.